I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Randomize
