Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Randomize
