im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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