so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
