if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
