im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
