Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
