I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
