Hey man sorry I got all grabby
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
