The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.