There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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