I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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