Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
