literally had 100 drinks last night.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
