Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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