it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
