I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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