Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Everclear isn't food dammit
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
