i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
