What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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