When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
