I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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