The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
what is it with giant penises always finding me
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
be right there i have to get my cape
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
