Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
