great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
