I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
