is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
