Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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