yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Randomize
