I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
