apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
