had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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