Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
