Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
