Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
