My sheets look like a crime scene.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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