uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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