she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
