my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize
