im drinking this country out of the recession.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
