just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
