We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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