but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
