My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I currently don't understand fingers.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
