the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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