k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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