There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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