i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
