it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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