ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
