I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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