I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
His hands were made for my vagina.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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