I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
