I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
