Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
