Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I can't turn off my feet"
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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