Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
how do flat chested girls get laid?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Every concussion has its silver lining
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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